Home | Observations & Musings | Avie Layne

Months 5-7

Thu, 25 Aug 2022 21:45:21 -0500

I initially started writing this at the 3-month mark…three long months on the road to recovery. When I found out that I needed a 3-level fusion, my initial thought was that my body was betraying me. However, at my 3-month check-up and x-rays I, (along with my neurosurgeon) was pleasantly surprised to find that I was already showing new bone growth at the fusion cages. As he explained, this showed that I had very healthy bones—due entirely to my active and healthy lifestyle. This knowledge changed my perception, and while I did have structural failure in my back, I had to admit that perhaps my body hadn’t betrayed me after all. Perhaps it has more to do with not really listening to my body and changing activity when my back was hurting. It’s funny how just seeing those images, make me feel so much better—both mentally and physically. Yes, it looks like a little like the images one saw on Marvel’s Wolverine.

Now, those who know me will understand the words that came out of the surgeon’s mouth. “Your greatest challenge now is to NOT overdo it. You are STILL healing and STILL growing a new bone structure.”

4-Months and Progressing

Thu, 09 Jun 2022 17:07:28 -0500

2-Month Recovery Update

Thu, 24 Mar 2022 17:05:19 -0500

It’s been two months since the fusion surgery on my lower back. Two weeks ago, I went back to work on reduced hours, and Monday I progressed back to my normal 8-hours. The issues with short term disability worked out in my favor only because I dogged them. I have such a tremendous boss, which meant I was able to work two hours, clock out, and then back in for the last two. Even with that, the first week back really kicked my butt! The second week I was able to do the full 4-hours. This week, about mid-way into an 8-hour workday, I find I need to lay down on ice/heat for an hour. Still, even with that break, by the end of the day, I am exhausted. What I notice is that the surgical pain has all but gone on the upper half of the area with just some slight tenderness along the incision. The lower half? Well, there are still days when I’m pushing a 5 out of 10 on the pain level—especially after progressing to an 8-hour workday. I think it’s going to be several weeks before I can do more than 8-hours. I’m hopeful by the time the weather is warmer, I’ll be back to my typical four 9-hour days, which leaves a 4-hour day on Friday and that makes me feel like a 3-day weekend every week.

Six Weeks Out

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 09:13:11 -0600

Six-weeks out. In many ways the time has flown, while the first 3-weeks, spent in a pain induced fog, dragged by. The day I was scheduled for my 1-month follow-up and first set of x-rays with the neurosurgical team, we had more than a foot of snow dumped over a 2-day period. Not totally unexpected for Minnesota, and while we have a 4-wheel drive truck, Shawn didn’t think it was worth the risk of driving the 30-miles in a snowstorm. Fortunately, my appointment was only postponed by two days. Sadly, I was told I stand a good chance of something called Adjacent Segment Disease (ASD): a condition caused by spinal fusion where the level above or below the fused vertebrae degenerate because they are compensating for the lack of movement caused by the spinal fusion at the level that was fused. My x-rays show some ASD at L1/L2, which is immediately above the fused area. The neurosurgical team will be watching the area during the serial x-rays I’ll have over the next 18-months. Lowering my risk is something that is being addressed in during physical therapy, which for now, is aimed at restoring core strength, leg flexibility, and decreasing the nerve issues.

4-Weeks Post Surgical. Wisdom from a Surprising Source

Sat, 19 Feb 2022 15:57:35 -0600

Today marks 4-weeks from my TLIF L2-L5 surgery. After trial and error, we (the neurosurgeon and myself) figured out what dose of gabapentin (a medication used for nerve pain) worked best for the nerve pain I was having in my left leg—pain that was keeping me awake. After a second change to dosing, on Monday night I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had since surgery. It’s surprising just how much sleep affects a person’s whole outlook and demeaner. I found a decent night’s sleep will also affect pain levels. However, while I still have insomnia from time to time, it’s not due to leg pain.

Where I’m at today: Staples are out, and the steri-strips are off. My incision, though long, looks fantastic and the seroma is decreasing in size. It’s getting easier each day to log-roll out of bed and get dressed. I’m still using my walker but can take a few steps away from it. It’s been over a week since I needed to take the narcotic pain medication on a regular basis. However, I did have a day where, BAM, out of the blue without rhyme nor reason, I had a day of increased pain. The only thing that would bring it to a manageable level was taking one. While I could drive if I’m not taking the narcotic, I’m not able to get to the car or truck without a walker, so Shawn does all the driving for appointments. He also has decided that using a wheelchair to get me from the car into my appointments is prudent for time’s sake. I’m now up sitting at my computer every day for 1 ½ to 2-hours with breaks. I am also doing some light cooking. My appetite is still poor, but eating small frequent meals/snacks, seems to have halted the weight loss. Of course, it’s hard to actually weigh oneself when you’re in a hard-side cast and can’t bend over to SEE the dial.

Week 3 Update: A Corner Turned

Fri, 11 Feb 2022 08:59:21 -0600

3-weeks Post-Surgical Update. 2-days ago I had 32 staples removed. Shawn, being the goofball that he is, asked if I was going to bring the staples home to make into a necklace…uh nope! I thought after the surgery I went through that they would be a mere mosquito bite coming out. Oh, HELL no…I was SO wrong. Those little suckers hurt, especially where there was “grow over” as the nurse called it. After the first one had me panting like I was in labor, she asked about using the cold freeze spray. Sure, why not—I’ve had it before for IVs. Yeah, what I didn’t count on was that spray FREEZING THE STAPLES! Rather uncomfortable having frozen bits of metal in your skin. I’m glad I opted to sit down rather than stand while they came out. Otherwise, I might have embarrassed myself by winding up on the floor. Other than that, my first follow-up appointment went well. The incision looks great, though I do have a large seroma on one side of the incision. But what is a seroma? It’s a pocket of clear serous fluid that sometimes develops in the body after surgery. This fluid is composed of blood plasma that has seeped out of ruptured small blood vessels and the inflammatory fluid produced by injured and dying cells. It’s perfectly normal and will dissipate in time. What is also normal is the leg pain, exhaustion, and emotional roller coaster issues I am having. I explained that I would really like to be done with the pain meds…it’s just the nighttime leg pain that keeps me tethered. As explained by the RN, this is all normal for the extent and size of the surgery I had. It’s only been 2 ½ weeks so calm down and not rush the healing was her advice. I am cleared to now start the simple stretching exercises given at discharge as well as starting ice/heat treatments, but not cleared to wean from the walker. She also said I was doing great when we talked about my daily activity level, which is more advanced than some patients. Stubbornness comes in handy I suppose.

2-Weeks Post Surgical Check-In

Mon, 07 Feb 2022 01:11:26 -0600

Surgery was 2-weeks ago. In some ways, I think, “2-weeks already?” yet—the days have drug by. An endless succession of position changes, small meals (to counter the lack of appetite), medication for pain, broken sleep both day and night, and wishing the healing would occur faster. Watching movies that I’ve seen before because of the inability to concentrate. Even reading a book at this stage is pointless. Part of the scrambled brain issue is due to broken sleep. This is night seven of the ‘middle of the night, severe nerve pain (left leg), that is waking me up and keeping me awake. Earlier in the week, I reached out to my surgeon. We discussed that this can be a normal occurrence, due to nerves regenerating and inflammation from the surgery still compressing some of the nerves. My provider and I decided to try tripling the medication (Gabapentin) for nerve pain. It takes a few days to a week for it to kick in, which is why I’m sitting at my MAC again at 1:00 am. Position changes, walking, and a middle of the night shower seem to work the best. I’ve been assured this sudden appearance of increase nerve pain is completely normal. Some of the pain can be attributed to regeneration of the nerves affected by the spinal stenosis, while others are simply due to the swelling and inflammation from the surgery itself. After all, there was a lot of work done in that 9” incision along my spine. How long it lasts? Will is gradually disappear or BAM be gone in a flash? Nobody knows.

Rough Random Thoughts on Pain Meds

Sat, 05 Feb 2022 05:05:11 -0600

January 25, 2022

I received so many wonderful wishes, prayers, and offers of help during the last few days. So many that my heart is full of gratitude. My care team at Essentia Health was OUTSTANDING and the neurosurgeon, Dr. Terzic is the best. While I was strictly on a neuro trauma unit, the impact of the hospital being full due to COVID was apparent. I wound up with a very confused roommate who spend much of their first two nights hollering for their husband and various other people—some in response to what they were watching on TV. Wanting to see Dr. Phil or help with a case Judge Judy was arbitrating, for example. Wanting me to help them pick up a lamp that had fallen on something they were watching. In the past, patients with that level of confusion, would be in a room of their own in order to minimize the impact on other patients. With the hospital being full, there was no place to move them, and nursing needed to keep the door closed to minimize the impact on other patients. As a nurse who did her share of hospital floor nursing, I get it but I was conflicted in how I felt. Their middle of the night rantings was keeping me awake and affecting my own healing. Their confusion would go away once someone was talking to them. I didn’t have the energy to carry on much of a conversation at night, but we did chat a bit during the day. It took me until the second night to put my nurse hat on and ‘talk them down’ in the middle of the night. Hell—I was awake anyway so why not try. It worked.

Wisdom from My Mom

Mon, 31 Jan 2022 04:30:58 -0600

More late-night ramblings:

I’m post-surgical day ten from my fusion surgery for L2-L5. While this is the most painful thing I’ve physically gone through (that includes childbirth) and although there have been moments of, “WTF did you DO!” I don’t regret surgery—well, at least today, right at this moment. The leg pain and numbness are decreasing every day. I’m weaning off narcotics and each day is just a tiny bit better. What I did NOT expect was the emotional outbursts that would happen. Post anesthesia reaction, loss of independence, pain, poor food intake (I did expect a lack of appetite—that’s just me) and being exhausted all contribute to this emotional roller coaster. I’m trying to take this recovery one day at a time. I’m finding it helpful to look back at the end of the day and recount what I was able to accomplish. It’s helping emotionally, which, for me, also helps with the pain. What also helped was a conversation with my mom about just what was making me emotional.

What I discovered:

WTF: My Body is Betraying Me. Spinal Stenosis Recovery

Fri, 21 Jan 2022 04:00:46 -0600

I haven’t sat down to write for months as my time has been filled writing lectures and assignments for classes I’ve been teaching in a prison contract. Distance learning classes take just as much work as teaching in a classroom so my time has been FILLED.

I have taken time away from teaching in order to have back surgery. A TLIF (Transforaminal Lumbar Interbody Fusion) of levels L2-L5. After failing 2 ½ years of conservative treatments and noting how rapidly the spinal stenosis was progressing, this was the best option to decompress the nerves and spinal cord as well as preventing further progression and restore some semblance of normalcy to my life. This ‘failure’ of my back, I have been assured, is not entirely due to overuse. Some of this is genetic, some attributed to body structure, and some is just the luck of the draw. Although I probably shouldn’t have been lifting 50# of chicken feed—EVER!

I have a core group of friends called, the “Non-Trad Squad Extraordinaire” who helped me come up with the idea to blog during this journey. Not only the physical journey, but also the emotional mental journey that inevitably comes with a life change based on health. There are strong, incredbily talented, women writers in this group and when they presented this idea as a challenge, I knew they were on to something. Whether these random thoughts over the next few months help anyone, I know that they will help me as I recover.

Blog

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 15:40:15 -0500

Reflection: Varient Paths

We tend to have plans for our lives---that is, when we imagine what life will look like, we have a clear picture. I know I did when I decided to go back to college to teach English & literature. I had a well-defined picture in my mind of what the student environment looked like, what I would teach, the engaging discussions we would have, and even down to what my lesson plans would look like. Then COVID hit and college classes looked VERY different. There were not as many students, which resulted in not as many prospects for a new adjunct instructor/professor.

Then I was given the opportunity to teach a group of non-traditional students, in a VERY non-traditional setting—a distance learning World Literature class for two correctional facilities. I thought what the heck, a student is a student no matter where they reside and no matter what path their lives had taken them. However, the whole distance learning thing was a conundrum—no physical lectures due to COVID. So, this left me with recording lectures to DVD (THAT was an interesting feat to make sure they could be played on the devices at each place), no texts books (locating texts that were open access), and handwritten assignments via mail. Some assignments were scanned, and I needed to figure out how to grade without having to do multiple printing and scanning of individual assignments over the semester. This was nothing I had ever been part of nor seen before. I certainly hand not been trained to do this kind of delivery--but again what the heck I decided I can DO this.

We just completed the semester and quite honestly, this was the most rewarding experience I’ve had in teaching or training. Some brought tears to my eyes. The students were motivated, engaged, and intelligent. Some of their writings and thought processes equaled that of grad school students. I am very thankful for this path that I had not seen coming. I believe it made me a better instructor/professor and a better person.

I share this to encourage you…take the opportunities that are presented to you…even IF they don’t fit the picture that you have in your mind. Jump in with an open mind and leave behind the expectations and binding to what your imagined path looked like. Sometimes we need to let go of that picture in order to receive the priceless art that is deemed especially for us. Sometimes the gifts of another path, though are not of our own design, can be the most rewarding.

Dec 24, 2020 at 11:43 AM

Survival Mode

We are in Survival Mode. When I was placed on “Special COVID-19 Administrative Leave” (fancy title for staying at home with full benefits but on unemployment), I told my supervisor, that I had anticipated it was coming and had decided to make good use of my time. I would set a schedule and be productive. I would put everything in my planner. I would bake, cook, write, get outside (weather permitting) to work on my garden, and do lots of reading. We are on 5 ½ weeks of L&L (Leave and lock-down) and, while there has been tons of cooking and baking (no WAY I am stepping on the scale) there has been little reading and little to no writing. What does one write about at a time like this? How does one process the drastic change in their everyday life? I was invited and joined a Facebook group for a guided discussion on “The Plague” by Albert Camus, a book I’ve read before. I find that I struggle to concentrate on the book and lack the ability to participate in a comprehensive discussion about the book. I am days behind with little drive to catch up.

We are in Survival Mode. I do a few “House Frau” duties in the morning (cleaning, laundry, cooking, and baking), and do any paperwork and bills that have to get done. Some of them dealing with loan forbearance and delays like many others right now. Though we are set with groceries, we did make a run to stock up for a while (no we didn’t but any toilet paper for I keep plenty on hand) not only for us but for the 28-chickens who depend on us. I spent an entire morning searching for places where I can order needed food items—predominantly for baking. What is it about going back to the way my mother and grandmother baked that gives me comfort in a time such as this?

We are in Survival Mode. I find myself reading the news (reputable medical sites). As a class three asthmatic, I find myself watching the cases climb in our area with trepidation and fear. I remember how it felt when I had influenza that turned into pneumonia. Reading the accounts of people without underlying health issues, scares not only me, but the husbiance too! Though we instituted a weekly Zoom call for “Wine with Friends” with my core group of gal pals, it’s not the same a hiking, kayaking, or snowshoeing with them. Though I can visit with Jaxson, my 3-year old grandson, it’s not the same as hugging and kissing him. Though we talk with other friends on the phone, it’s not the same as having them over for dinner.

Nearly every afternoon I nap….and of course nearly every evening I have that one glass of wine. Why? Because we are in Survival Mode and how long this will last is uncertain.

Apr 23, 2020 at 4:34 PM

Wanted Missing Life Skills

Recently I was at a large honors convention of community college students as an advisor, when a young man I knew came up and asked me if I knew how to iron. The final night of the conference was a large banquet and his dress shirt had become wrinkled during travel. A young woman standing next to him asked if I could repair a hem, and another if I could sew on a button. Why me? Perhaps I looked like someone who was adept at “adulting” after all I was of a particular age (however we all know that is no guarantee). I questioned these students, did they not know how, or were they lacking the equipment? The answer was they had never been taught, and had, in fact, never seen anyone do these things. We arranged for an impromptu lesson on ironing, hemming, and sewing on a button. These students wanted to know where I learned these skills. As I completed the tasks, I taught, and talked about the skills I learned from my grandmother, my mother, and in high school. Imagine the look of surprise on their faces when I explained that one could darn socks rather than replacing them! Not only ironing and sewing, but also cooking—not with boxed mixes but assembling individual ingredients. None of the students (and many others) could make something as simple as scrambled eggs, a grilled cheese sandwich, or a modest soup. Sadly, I wasn’t shocked to learn about the lack of training from grandmothers and mothers, due to the fracturing of families and the need for the dual-income for many families. Why and when did this become the norm? I remember fondly trying my hand at French cuisine, cake decorating, and sewing during my own Home Ec classes. My own sons (who are now 29 and 38) both took Home Economics. What happened to the classes since they were in high school? I believe it’s the disappearance of classes such as home economics, that have left a generation without the necessary skills to be self-reliant.

The Case for Teaching Life Skills in the Classroom

Have Home Economic classes truly disappeared or are they just not as popular or required curriculum any longer? NPR explores this question on The Salt section of its site: “Despite A Revamped Focus On Real-Life Skills, ‘Home Ec’ Classes Fade Away.” The Salt reports, “These courses haven’t gone away entirely, but their presence in schools is dwindling. In 2012 there were only 3.5 million students enrolled in FCS [Family and Consumer Sciences] secondary programs, a decrease of 38 percent over a decade.” What does that mean in numbers for recent years? According to The Guardian, only 32,062 took the class in 2012. In a rapidly expanding world of service, where you can hire anyone to provide essential tasks, such as sewing and cooking, attention to learning basic skills has declined. However, there is a movement to re-learn these skills. I asked a highly accomplished grad student in her mid-twenties what she thought about life skills and whether her generation was witnessing a decline in basic skills. She replied, “The drive to learn self-sustaining skills are coming back, taught by new waves of technology, honestly mostly at the lowest income levels. Platforms like Pinterest and YouTube are actually bringing these skills back. Classmates (mostly younger than me, and I’m 26) looking to save money, out of environmental consciousness, or out of genuine curiosity often spend hours on tutorials about how to clean their suits without paying for dry cleaning, how to cook healthy foods, how to mend clothes instead of buying new ones.” The internet often shows seekers HOW not Why these skills are essential, which younger generations are missing entirely—which can lead to other complications in “adulting.” Additionally, reading instructions or viewing a video on how to complete a task may not be enough. Sometimes, learning needs to take place in a hands-on environment.

The Call For Action

It is time for individuals to contact our local school boards, local colleges, community education boards, and request the reintroduction and requirement of hallmark classes such as home economics. Gather together individuals who possess basic skills and offer free community classes. Are we prepared to have a generation who lack the basic skills of self-care? What happens to future generations as the skills are completely lost? It is our duty to take steps to prevent this from happening.

#MissingLifeSkills

#HomeEc

#Adulting101

Sources:

Danovich, Tove. “Despite A Revamped Focus On Real-Life Skills, 'Home Ec' Classes Fade Away.” NPR, NPR, 14 June 2018, www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2018/06/14/618329461/despite-a-revamped-focus-on-real-life-skills-home-ec-classes-fade-away.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2014/jun/04/home-economics-gcse-scrapped-a-levels

Jul 4, 2019 at 10:40 AM

Beginning Under the Hot Kansas Sun

I’ve been asked many times about my writer’s story. In fact it came up as a class assignment so I decided to share it here.

My writer’s bio, not only for my personal blog but for any published writing, tells a quick version of how I came to consider myself as a writer. Growing up under the hot Kansas sun, Deanna Keller spent many hours sitting under the apricot tree with her nose either in a book or writing in her scruffy notebooks, carefully composing stereotypically bad teenage poetry with a number two pencil. Exploring writing as an adult, she found her voice blogging about her observations and musings surrounding life under the pen name, Avie Layne, which she has done for the past seven years. Additionally, she has been blogging for The Journey Seeker and has been a guest blogger for OMighty Crisis. Creative Writing classes at college opened her eyes to the idea of short stories for young adults and ignited new writing passion--many based on the stories of her parent’s poor childhood growing up in the Ozarks of Arkansas in the late 40s early 50s, while others have been based on her own crazy life. While these facts are true, when I think of earlier memories of writing, I think back to first grade and Mrs. Newsome, in connection to the physical act of writing due to her comments on my poor penmanship. To a little girl who was the size of a 4-year old, this woman towered over me, not only physically (I’m still certain to this day, that she was 6-feet tall), but in her cursive writing, which was as beautiful as calligraphy. Try as I might, I could just not get my little hands to make that pencil flow as fluidly as hers. I still remember that teacher's remarks and how they made me feel at the age of six. Over the years, I worked extra hard to not only improve my penmanship, but to match that calligraphy style feel—a feat I did master. Perhaps that drive for the physical perfection of writing is what led me to burning that first red spiral notebook filled with dreadfully written rhymes. Though the poetry was horrible, it did helped me process events of my childhood and early teens.

I was the only girl in a family of six, with a neglectful, alcoholic father. He wasn’t abusive; he simply chose to forget or care that he had four children. Neither of my parents went to college, let alone completed high school. I still am not only a first generation college graduate, but also a first generation high school graduate. The saving grace of my childhood was the summers spent at my grandparent’s farm, deep in the Ozarks of Arkansas. Picture mountains, dense forests, wild animals, poisonous snakes and spiders, chickens, cows, pigs, horses, gardens, and NO outhouse. Cold spring water right out of the mountain and water melon seed spitting contests with my three brothers. Yes, I carried a notebook and pencil with me—many times simply writing what I saw around me, details about the day, or the irritation I felt at being picked on by my brothers. While I don’t recall seeing my parents write, I do remember seeing my grandmother sit at her kitchen table many nights, after supper was cleared away with a naked solitary light bulb hanging over her head while she wrote letters. On lined notebook paper, her writing was nothing like my first grade teacher—more spidery in appearance. But her telling of the week’s events to whoever she was writing to, awakened vivid images in my mind. She didn’t use big words, for she didn’t know anything except what she read in her bible. But she made the drudgery of a farmer’s wife come alive in those letters. I was the recipient of some of those letters during the school year. I would read those letters and be immediately transported back to their farm—its smells, sights, and all of the feelings that made those summers special. Simply in how she described her days and what she saw through written words. Additionally, it was also the stories read to me by my aunt during those summers that opened my eyes to how effective writing could be, especially when read out loud—a lesson I carry to this day as I frequently read my own writing out loud as part of my revision process. During the times not spent at my grandparents, my nose was always buried in a book or frantically scribbling in one of my notebooks (more awful poetry), as a way to block out everything around me. I wrote secrets and buried thoughts—not sharing what I wrote with anyone. I later burned those notebooks as well, but the idea of writing as therapy stuck with me. In burning those notebooks, I felt that I burned not only the idea of writing poetry, but also some of the events as well.

There was a writing gap between my teenage years and late thirties because I don’t specifically remember writing much aside from the occasional letter as I was busy raising my sons. Yet as the marriage began to crumble, writing resurfaced as a way to help process being tied to an emotionally abusive and controlling man. Needing to escape and retain my sanity, I began to write prose in order to explore feelings. Thinking back, having to couch the words in order to conceal what I was truly thinking and feeling, honestly made me a better writer. I went back to notebooks and a number two pencil as there was something comforting about the physical act of writing—dealing with the turmoil by means of carefully written words. A strange, though probably natural, progression occurred and for several years I found myself writing songs—both lyrics and music as a way to cope. Though I stopped writing music after my divorce, I am certain at some point I will return to that form of writing.

After the divorce, I was finally able to attend college—something I was not allowed to do. No longer would I be able to write what I felt, but would have to write for a different audience—a teacher, whom I felt would be judge and jury to my writing. Initially there were papers and essays that felt like having teeth pulled. Though the grades were good, they were dry, uninteresting (to me), and painful to write. However, the turning point was in my college composition class. The assignment was to research and write about something in society that had changed over the last 10-years. I selected zombies, as I found the rise of zombies in literature, films, and television fascinating. My fiancé and I spent many hours watching, dissecting, and discussing zombie movies. The assignment made an impact on me as the writer, for I had fun writing, “Zombies: Down with the Sickness—What’s Behind the Zombie Craze?” I discovered how to take the written snarky "voice" from my personal writing and combine it with my professional/academic writing. I suppose that Jocelyn was my favorite instructor helped in this process. Later I spent three years mentoring students in her literature and writing classes and served as her intern over one summer. We remain close friends to this day. Though it was not an A paper, she still uses it as a demo for her classes to show you can have fun with writing. For the writer in me, Jocelyn has been my most significant supporter as she has become one of my favorite writers and continues to push me to improve my writing through her constructive feedback.

In my current happy life, from time to time my writing may dip into therapeutic, but more so because I am happy, it is driven but I am inspired by what I see, hear, and feel going on around me. Though I’m not writing through events of childhood or an abusive marriage any longer, life itself is full of wonder that drives me to write. Lately, my electronic journal is filled with notes and observations of restoring a farm and building a chicken coop affectionally known as Cluck Tower. You would be surprised at just how comical it is to take a woman who never did construction and give her a teacher of a woman in her late 60s who has spent her life around it. Toss 22-chickens into the mix and some of my writings have been comical: "Things I have learned from the chicken coop. Today’s progress and lessons learned. Sometimes it takes three people to rehang a door and four to install a U-shaped piece of siding when it’s the very last piece to go in (a crowbar is a necessity). Pounding metal fence posts is best left to a strong man. Watch where you walk when chickens are running around—not only for their droppings, which is ALL OVER THE YARD, but for their nosiness and constantly under foot. Finally, I can build a frame for nesting boxes nearly by myself…with a little holding help."

In addition to the craziness of restoring a farm, I took a gap year between my undergrad in English and grad school—a year in which I had planned to work on a book book/memoir called, “For the Love of a Boy.” My gap year passed and due to issues with a grandchild, the book saw very little work other than the sketches in an electronic notebook. As I laid out sketches and ideas for this book, I came to the realization that the males in my life have driven many of my life’s decisions and directions—father, sons, lovers, husband, and a new grandson. It was in dealing with the neglect, abuse, and other issues that set me on the path of writing. In this gap year, I have often asked myself if I would have started writing otherwise. I honestly can’t say with any certainty that I would have.

Though I have blogged for years (out of necessity under the pen name Avie Layne), I remember the feeling the first time one of my pieces was legitimately published. After years of writing, I was encouraged to start submitting essays I had written for publication. I was surprised (I remember squealing) when my first piece was picked up by Feminine Collective. Being published showed me that, though I had been writing to process my life, others were not only going through similar things, but reading what I had written somehow helped them to cope. I was always under the impression that being published was a confirmation of success and proof that a person was a writer. But for me, I never needed publication to authenticate who I am— a writer.

Incidentally, I still love to physically write in a paper journal with a number two pencil.

Apr 30, 2019 at 8:33 PM

Tea and Scones for Someone Special-ME

People who know me, know that I love to cook, especially baking, which I find very relaxing. I have friends who make special requests of the vast scores of old recipes I have collected over the years. My sons knew this especially well while growing up. On Saturday and Sunday (weather permitting) they could find me in the kitchen turning out breads, muffins, cakes, pies, cookies, or bars. The warm smells of mom’s love would call them up from the basement where they might be watching a movie or playing video games with their dad. Now that they are grown with families of their own, they still look forward to some of mom’s treats. The eldest, when he was home for Christmas, requested Christmas cookies and anything else I would bake for him—of course he made many comments about going home “fatter.” That’s my job! One year for Mother’s Day not too many years ago, he sent me a book called, The Kinfolk Table: Recipes for Small Gatherings by author Nathan Williams. Recipes he gathered world-wide from his own circle of friends.

It’s a cloudy Saturday afternoon in March and the man is gone for drill. My hankering for baking drew me to the book sitting on a side table in the kitchen. Flipping through the pages, my eye was caught by the Blueberry Scones recipe. I fell in love with the idea of Cream Tea on my trip last year to the United Kingdom. Knowing I had a small jar of clotted cream and a vast array of good jams and preserves, this recipe was exactly what I was looking for. Additionally, I keep a good supply of wild Wisconsin blueberries in the freezer.

Blueberry Scones (page 303)

2 C all-purpose flour, plus additional for dusting

3 Tbs. sugar

1 Tbs. baking powder

½ tsp. salt

¼ C, plus 2 TBS> unsalted butter, cut into small pieces and chilled

1 C fresh or frozen blueberries

Grated zest of one lemon

2 large eggs

1/3 C cream

½ tsp. vanilla extract

Raw or turbanado sugar for sprinkling

· Position a rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 400º

· Sift flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt into a large bowl. Using 2 knives, or blender on low, cut the butter into the flour mixture until it resembles small peas. Stir in the blueberries and lemon zest.

· Whisk the eggs in a liquid measuring cup until well beaten, then whisk in the cream and vanilla.

· Stir the egg mixture into the flour mixture with a fork, mixing just until combined. The mixture should look shaggy.

· Lightly dust a clean, dry work surface with flour. Turn the dough out and knead it just until combines. Shape the dough into a 7-inch square. Cut the dough into four 3-inch squares, then cut diagonally into eight triangles.

· Arrange the scones on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Brush the tops with cream and sprinkle with the raw or turbanado sugar.

· Makes 8 scones

· Bake for 16-18 minutes or until the tops are golden brown. Transfer to a cooling rack and cool for about 5-minutes. Serve warm.

One these were completed, I pulled out the small jar of clotted cream that I had been saving for a special occasion. I am a special occasion! I chose black cherry preserves to accompany my treat and made myself a cup of Irish Breakfast tea—sweetened with raw sugar and just a splash of milk.

Today there is nothing more relaxing and satisfying than a good book while enjoying a cup of tea and a fabulous warm scone, smothered with clotted cream, and black cherry preserves. The book? Ordinary Grace, by William Kent Keueger

Williams, Nathan, and Rebecca Parker Payne. The Kinfolk Table: Recipes for Small Gatherings. Artisan, 2013.

Mar 10, 2018 at 5:39 PM

Follow the Silly Leader - A Children’s Story

As a young child, Susan was adamant about putting on her own shoes. From the beginning she would place her left shoe on her right foot and her right shoe on her left foot. Her parents, loath to stifle her individuality and crush her spirit, would never correct her. They felt that once Susan got a bit older, that she would feel the pinch of shoes on the wrong feet. As time went on, Susan grew used to the feel and continued placing her left shoe on her right foot and her right shoe on her left foot. The day came for Susan to enter school and as she had always done, her new school shoes were put on the wrong feet and laced up. It is interesting to note, that though she had gotten use to the pinch, she still walked and ran slower than her playmates. Once Susan entered her classroom, her classmates questions to why her shoes were on the wrong feet, were met with, “That is the way I’ve always done it.” Now Susan was a pretty little girl with blonde curls and the delight to her other classmates. One by one, over the next few weeks, her classmates followed suit and began to place their left shoe on their right foot and their right shoe on their left foot. Soon rather than being the slowest at running, Susan’s speed became the norm as the idea spread to the other classes in her school. The PTA held a special session to talk about the phenomenon. After much debate, the decision was made to never correct their children so that their individuality would be nurtured. An edict was sent throughout the city, detailing the benefits of individuality by gently persuading young children to place their left shoes on their right foot and their right shoes on their left foot, just like Susan.

Feb 12, 2018 at 6:32 PM

The Men of the United Kingdom—A Woman’s Perspective

As a graduation present to myself for my hard work on my undergraduate degree, I decided to accept the offer to be a student chaperone on a 12-day trip to Scotland, England, Wales, Ireland and North Ireland. I flew over, along with twenty others, with expectations of what I would find. I’m certain that my expectations of the men of the United Kingdom came from watching movies. The warm voice and accent of Sean Connery, determination of Liam Neeson, and boyish charm of Tom Hiddleston filled me with hopeful anticipation that men like them might surround me. Hollywood has a way of skewing our expectations.

I decided it would be fun and enlightening to interview men in London, Edinburgh, and Dublin by asking two simple (or so I thought) questions. “What does being a man mean to you?” and “Define masculinity.” After all, I reasoned, men in America seemed to be pre-occupied with being “manly” and I was curious if this was happening elsewhere. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to conduct some research. Now if I could figure out how to make the trip tax deductible—I’d be set.

The best place to interview was in the local pubs, as I wanted to talk to the common man—the everyday, run of the mill type of man. I wasn’t prepared for the quizzical looks I received. In trying to clarify and explain, more often than not, the answers I received were based on loyalty to country, “Being proud of living in this great country” or “Not being an internationalist.” I was surprised as I had anticipated different answers that what I got. It was interesting that one of the men mentioned, he hadn’t really thought about how proud he was to be a Scott, until he had left the country. In the first few days of a trip that had a timeline, I felt I was getting nowhere.

The next afternoon, while sitting outdoors at a lovely pub in Edinburgh with my travel companions, I was encouraged to ask my questions to the four Scottish men sitting a few tables away. With the liquid courage of a pint (or two) of local brew on board, I decided to narrow my question down to something simple, tangible, and very relatable. “What do real Scottish men drink?” The answers were hilarious – “Not whiskey—that’s for pussies,” and “Real men drink lager or Scotch.” The chuckles that ensued opened the door to general conversation. Once we turned to the topic of being a man and masculinity, the answers became, “Who can drink the fastest,” and “How do your legs look in a kilt,” to how much they loved haggis. Seriously, I did try that stuff and concluded that it was probably best after a few pints of something alcoholic—but I digress. It was this general conversation (spoken in an accent like Sean Connery—Hollywood was accurate on this one) with the four lovely Scotsmen that led me to abandon my typical line of questioning and simply observe the men during the remainder of the trip.

While in Scotland and Ireland, I could clearly see in facial structures, which men were of Scottish and Irish descent. Hair color aside, it was the heavy brow and foreheads with rugged, though simple features, that was a clear indicator, to me at least that I wasn’t in Kansas any longer. The words Neanderthal and Crow Magnum Man came to my mind, yet not in the insulting way we think of, for I could clearly see intelligence reflecting in their clear eyes and upon their brow. The men of Wales were not significantly different from men I had encountered in the states—just not as many with weight issues. In London, a vastly globalized market with people from all over Europe, it was difficult to pinpoint just who were from England. Comically one of the traits I noticed, due in part to the reactions of my female traveling companions, was that the men in London smelled really quite nice. We’re not talking Axe here. The men sporting what appeared to be top-notch suits caused my female companions to do a double take. Admittedly, perhaps, that was due in part to the area in which we live. One does not often encounter men dressed so splendidly aside from a wedding or funeral.

What I discovered in my observations is, that while there was a fierce aggressive loyalty of country (no matter which country), there was also gentleness as apparent by the way women, children, the elderly, and even animals were treated. I noted a chivalry that I have not encountered since my last visit to the south. Yet, amidst this chivalry, there was still an apparent a love of the female form. This was evident in the way men would watch a lovely lass walk down the street. Even a woman of my age, received a few glances—or perhaps that was due to the crazy print leggings I was wearing. Mmm, I think I’ll take the looks as compliments. However, what was absent were the wolf whistles and comments frequently found back in America. Men apparently didn’t feel the need to draw attention to themselves in this way. They wanted to be free to admire beauty, yet do so in a respectful way. I remember watching a farmer and his wife walking down the street. His hand was placed in the small of her back—not pushing her along nor really guiding her. It appeared to be more of a protecting manner. One of the classes I had just completed was Philosophies of Feminism and in that class, I learned about the great division between women who felt the opening of doors was a sign of chivalry while others found it a sign of benevolent sexism. After witnessing this, and being a receiver of this gesture, in both the United States and abroad, I would honestly have to say it’s in the attitude. I feel that men in the United Kingdom seemed to want to open doors out of a genuine respect, rather than a duty that was expected. Perhaps more research is needed, which would entail a trip to another country.

Since returning, I’ve thought about the differences in American men and men from the United Kingdom in correlation with masculinity and the need to question just what it is. I keep coming back to the responses surrounding loyalty to country. I wonder if the difference lies in the connection to the land. Men in the United Kingdom have a deeper connection due to thousands of years and generations—the United States, by comparison, is a relatively young country without the longevity of generations so the land connection isn’t as deep. What I found interesting was the connection that I felt with the land. I surmise it is due to my ancestral heritage as many of my ancestors came from Scotland and Ireland—traced as far as 1006.

Perhaps one of the keys to reclaiming masculinity, for American men, is to get out of the offices and onto the land. Walk the earth—barefoot if you can. Build things with materials from the earth. Look at the stars. Take a dip naked in a cold lake. Hunt, with a bow, a gun or a camera. Fish. Share these activities with the next generation by taking your sons or if you don’t have one, join Big Brothers and take one of those boys.

And PLEASE, from women everywhere, ditch the AXE cologne.

Oct 24, 2017 at 7:54 PM

Cooking - An Alternative Therapy

Writing has always been very therapeutic for me, however there are times when my mind and emotions are so jumbled that I cannot wrangle them enough to live on a page coherently. Cooking and/or baking becomes that activity which can cause the chaos in my mind and heart to ease—at least for a while. There is something about taking simple ingredients, that by themselves may not remarkable, and turning them into something spectacular and comforting. Take a couple pounds of beef, bacon, carrots, onions, good red wine, beef broth, and assorted spices, and with great care and detail, along with a little time, and you have Boeuf Bourgeon. Exquisite! Into a bowl toss flour, leavening ingredients, spices, butter and fruit and you have a calming coffee cake or comforting batch of scones. Splendid! Perhaps that is the rub—the time and attention along with specific measurements. Shifting your mind off the current problems and hurts into something new. Writing focuses your energies on the issues that are at the forefront of your mind. Cooking and baking take your mind off the issues, setting them to the back burner, and places before you the task of creation—something new of simple basics. Add in the components of friends and you have the perfect recipe for healing. For me there is nothing better than cooking for others when life around me has become a train wreck—whether I’m the conductor or not. I love to give the gift of food—a gift from myself that my friend(s) may not take the time to make for himself or herself. My go-to is simple handmade pasta with fresh pesto made in front of the watcher while we share a glass (or two) of good wine. Perhaps it is in our pain that the giving of a gift—of ourselves—that becomes the marker of healing whatever current hurt we are experiencing. While we may be disappointed, hurt or let down by our children, friends, family, spouses, or lovers, there is something inherently beautiful about the specifics of a recipe. Grabbing a tried and true recipe will always yield the same results—that in itself is comforting. Add into the mix the giving of ourselves to others and whatever depressing issue is at hand, for a little while at least, it is set aside in the beauty of the moment.

Sep 2, 2017 at 4:31 PM

The Sound of Destruction

Imagine being shown the picture below and asked to write a short story about it. You have 2-hours. Oh and by the way…it’s a contest.

Taking up the challenge, I came up with the following story. To my surprise, I one first place. A gift card to Barnes and Noble. A fabulous place for a writer.

The Sound of Destruction

There was a strange smell in the air that overpowered the aroma from the wet fall leaves that lay on the ground decaying, the damp earth, and the distinct smell of autumn mushrooms. An unfamiliar sound of buzzing, chewing and grinding could be heard for most of the day. From time to time a loud crash could be heard—accompanied by a vibration that comes from an old soul dying. The gentle inhabitants of the woods kept as far away from the noise as they could, for they did not understand. Only the majestic stag comprehended what the sounds meant for he had encountered them before—and the knowledge filled him with sadness.

As the sun was nearing the end of its daily journey across the sky, the sound stopped and the regular sounds of the forest returned, softened by the rising mist. The birds resumed their singing to the squirrels, who chattered to the frogs, who croaked to the doe, who cautiously approached the noble stag. Slowly rising beneath the songs of nature came another sound. It was a melody that was not made, nor heard before by any of the animals.

One by one, the siren song pulled at their hearts—beckoning them to come out of where they were hidden and eased their fears. The wild boar came first followed by the rat. The doe and her timid fawn soon trailed. Finally the regal stag hovered at the edge of the small clearing. What they saw broke their hearts.

The tree was old. Its arms had reached higher than any other. In the summer the leaves were the shade of emerald and the fall saw a deep orange that rivaled the sunset. All that remained now was a low base with roots extending deep within the warm earth. Those on the surface branched out as ripples on the water and gave shelter to the smaller woodland animals.

Sitting on the stump, now a raw wound, was the source of the music. Out of an elegant moon colored shape resembling the trumpet flowers that grew in the summer fields, came the sound of splendor. Destruction filled their eyes— yet beauty filled their ears with wonder.

Feb 5, 2017 at 4:57 PM

Road Kill Stew

I have a fabulous friend whose family does a themed competitive potluck every year. The competition is for taste of the dish and for the associating story that goes along with it. It’s the participants of the potluck who cast their votes. For four years I’ve gone and presented dishes and stories for ginger, fairy tales, and childhood memories. Darn it if I can’t remember what the first year was. For the fifth incarnation of the competitive potluck, competitors were instructed to use television as the inspiration for their entries. With the husband and wife being an artist and an English and Lit teacher (read her blog at omightycrisis.com) the creativity in both the themes and instructions are a hoot:

“Interpretation of this challenge depends on the participant’s personal history and creativity. Maybe you want to recreate the assembly-line “chocolates caper” Lucy and Ethel had on I LOVE LUCY; maybe you have always wondered what Mulligatawny soup tastes since seeing Elaine order it from the Soup Nazi on SEINFELD. Your dish could invoke nostalgia by recreating the meal your family ate as they watched THE LOVE BOAT together. Or maybe you have perfected Julia Child’s scrambled eggs. Upon registration, you will write a short paragraph telling us how television inspired your dish.”

Now I consider myself a terrific cook as well as a decent writer, but I’ve never won or come close to winning. This year I decided it was time to pull out all stops and write using my authentic snarky voice. I came up with:

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Road kill Stew –The Beverly Hillbilies

I loved watching The Beverly Hillbillies as a child and then later as an adult. There was even a time when I could sing along to the theme song. My favorite character was Granny (Daisy May) because she reminded me of my own hillbilly-like grandmother that I spent summers with in Arkansas.

My favorite scene dealt with road kill. Granny tells Jethro to “Stop the car…they’s a fresh kill in the road…can’t just leave it there…road kill stew sounds mighty good right now.”

With this in mind during my recent camping trip to the Ozarks, on a winding mountain road, I found just the thing to share with ya’ll; a couple of squirrels, a possum, and a raccoon – all laying on the side of the road as though they were scampering home after a bit of moonshine and got taken out by a gap-tooth hillbilly driving a rusted old truck. Quick as a wink I was out (like Granny) with my shovel scooping them up and placing them in my cooler on ice. I decided to adapt my grandma’s recipe for Squirrel Stew (which calls for one squirrel per serving) in order to use all three types of meat.

In case you’re wondering…I did confirm the critters weren’t too ripe and were relatively fresh before fixin em’ up fer you fine people – but just incase…rest assured that I put in a splash of moonshine as we know that’ll kill anything.

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Did I REALLY put squirrel, possum, and raccoon in the dish? No – I decided to use beef, pork and chicken and come up with a new recipe that honestly could be used with wild game. Was there really moonshine in there? Not moonshine, but Apple Pie Corn Liquor.

Roadkill Stew (not really)

This would be good with any wild game - or road kill if you happen to find it fresh. The apple pie corn liquor can be replaced with apple cider. The lard can be replaced with any type of animal fat. You can also replace the fresh green beans with two cans of green beans and their liquid.

Ingredients

1.5 pounds beef stew meat, cut in 1" pieces

1 pound chicken breast, cut in 1" pieces

1 pound pork loin steak, cut in 1" pieces

2 medium red potatoes, cubed

1 medium turnip, cubed

1 medium rutabega, cubed

6 medium carrot, cubed

1 medium onion, diced

5 stalks celery, diced

3 cups kale, torn

2 cups Green beans, fresh and chopped

1/2 cup apple pie corn liquer

1 teaspoon pepper

6 cube beef bouillion

6-8 cups water

1/4 cup flour

2 tablespoons lard

2 tablespoons butter

Instructions

1. In a large stockpot with a heavy bottom, melt the lard and the butter on medium high heat. Toss the beef, chicken and pork with the flour. Put into hot stockpot and brown. Make sure to scrape the bottom of the drippings and crusty buts as they add flavor.

2. Add onion and celery; cook until tender.

3. Add remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Turn heat down to simmer and cover. Cook until all vegetables are tender. Stir frequently, scraping the bottom for the crusty bits, until the veggies are tender. Then the heat can be set on the lowest setting (just below a simmer) for the remainder of the time.

4. This soup can sit on low for up to 6-hours as the flavors will develop over time.

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Oh – by the way…this year I DID win in the story catalog. The prize was a fantastic basket lined with a linen kitchen towel (colors that perfectly match our kitchen) filled with adult beverages, snacks, Great Harvest bread, s fanstatic red serrated knife (complete with case), and a skewer of funky shaped and colored marshmallows. I wonder what theme they will come up with next year?

Sep 18, 2016 at 10:20 AM